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Available for the first time in the United States, this international bestseller reveals the secrets of nonverbal communication to give you confidence and control in any face-to-face encounter–from making a great first impression and acing a job interview to finding the right partner.
It is a scientific fact that people’s gestures give away their true intentions. Yet most of us don’t know how to read body language–and don’t realize how our own physical movements speak to others. Now the world’s foremost experts on the subject share their techniques for reading body language signals to achieve success in every area of life.
Drawing upon more than thirty years in the field, as well as cutting-edge research from evolutionary biology, psychology, and medical technologies that demonstrate what happens in the brain, the authors examine each component of body language and give you the basic vocabulary to read attitudes and emotions through behavior.
Discover:
• How palms and handshakes are used to gain control
• The most common gestures of liars
• How the legs reveal what the mind wants to do
• The most common male and female courtship gestures and signals
• The secret signals of cigarettes, glasses, and makeup
• The magic of smiles–including smiling advice for women
• How to use nonverbal cues and signals to communicate more effectively and get the reactions you want
Filled with fascinating insights, humorous observations, and simple strategies that you can apply to any situation, this intriguing book will enrich your communication with and understanding of others–as well as yourself.
- Sales Rank: #9195 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Bantam
- Published on: 2006-07-25
- Released on: 2006-07-25
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.26" h x .91" w x 6.18" l, 1.43 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 400 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
Review
"When Allan and Barbara Pease write, I read. And underline. And learn. And laugh. And steal. The Definitive Book of Body Language is a marvel of a book!"—Tom Peters, author of In Search of Excellence and Re-Imagine!
About the Author
Allan Pease has written eleven other bestselling books on the subject of human communication and body language, including, with Barbara Pease, Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps and Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need New Shoes.
Barbara Pease is CEO of Pease Training International and the author of the international bestseller Memory Language. She divides her time between England and Australia, trying to find her way home from the airport.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter One
Understanding the Basics
Everyone knows someone who can walk into a room full of people and within minutes give an accurate description about the relationships between those people and what they are feeling. The ability to read a person's attitudes and thoughts by their behavior was the original communication system used by humans before spoken language evolved.
Before radio was invented, most communication was done in writing through books, letters, and newspapers, which meant that ugly politicians and poor speakers such as Abraham Lincoln could be successful if they persisted long enough and wrote good print copy. The radio era gave openings to people who had a good command of the spoken word, like Winston Churchill, who spoke wonderfully but may have struggled to achieve as much in today's more visual era.
Today's politicians understand that politics is about image and appearance, and most high-profile politicians now have personal body-language consultants to help them come across as being sincere, caring, and honest, especially when they're not.
It seems almost incredible that, over the thousands of years of our evolution, body language has been actively studied on any scale only since the 1960's and that most of the public has become aware of its existence only since our book Body Language was published in 1978. Yet most people believe that speech is still our main form of communication. Speech has been part of our communication repertoire only in recent times in evolutionary terms, and is mainly used to convey facts and data. Speech probably first developed between two million and five hundred thousand years ago, during which time our brain tripled its size. Before then, body language and sounds made in the throat were the main forms of conveying emotions and feelings, and that is still the case today. But because we focus on the words people speak, most of us are largely uninformed about body language, let alone its importance in our lives.
Our spoken language, however, recognizes how important body language is to our communication. Here are just a few of the phrases we use:
Get it off your chest. Keep a stiff upper lip.
Stay at arm's length. Keep your chin up.
Shoulder a burden. Face up to it.
Put your best foot forward. Kiss my butt.
Some of these phrases are hard to swallow, but you've got to give us a big hand because there are some real eye-openers here. As a rule of thumb, we can keep them coming hand over fist until you either buckle at the knees or turn your back on the whole idea. Hopefully, you'll be sufficiently touched by these phrases to lean toward the concept.
In the Beginning . . .
Silent-movie actors like Charlie Chaplin were the pioneers of body-language skills, as this was the only means of communication available on the screen. Each actor's skill was classed as good or bad by the extent to which he could use gestures and body signals to communicate to the audience. When talking films became popular and less emphasis was placed on the nonverbal aspects of acting, many silent-movie actors faded into obscurity and only those with good verbal and nonverbal skills survived.
As far as the academic study of body language goes, perhaps the most influential pre-twentieth-century work was Charles Darwin's The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, published in 1872, but this work tended to be read mainly by academics. However, it spawned the modern studies of facial expressions and body language, and many of Darwin's ideas and observations have since been validated by researchers around the world. Since that time, researchers have noted and recorded almost a million nonverbal cues and signals. Albert Mehrabian, a pioneer researcher of body language in the 1950's, found that the total impact of a message is about 7 percent verbal (words only) and 38 percent vocal (including tone of voice, inflection, and other sounds) and 55 percent nonverbal.
It's how you looked when you said
it, not what you actually said.
Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell pioneered the original study of nonverbal communication–what he called "kinesics." Birdwhistell made some similar estimates of the amount of nonverbal communication that takes place between humans. He estimated that the average person actually speaks words for a total of about ten or eleven minutes a day and that the average sentence takes only about 2.5 seconds. Birdwhistell also estimated we can make and recognize around 250,000 facial expressions.
Like Mehrabian, he found that the verbal component of a face-to-face conversation is less than 35 percent and that over 65 percent of communication is done nonverbally. Our analysis of thousands of recorded sales interviews and negotiations during the 1970's and 1980's showed that, in business encounters, body language accounts for between 60 and 80 percent of the impact made around a negotiating table and that people form 60 to 80 percent of their initial opinion about a new person in less than four minutes. Studies also show that when negotiating over the telephone, the person with the stronger argument usually wins, but this is not so true when negotiating face-to-face, because overall we make our final decisions more on what we see than what we hear.
Why It's Not What You Say
Despite what it may be politically correct to believe, when we meet people for the first time we quickly make judgments about their friendliness, dominance, and potential as a sexual partner–and their eyes are not the first place we look.
Most researchers now agree that words are used primarily for conveying information, while body language is used for negotiating interpersonal attitudes and, in some cases, is used as a substitute for verbal messages. For example, a woman can give a man a "look to kill" and will convey a very clear message to him without opening her mouth.
Regardless of culture, words and movements occur together with such predictability that Birdwhistell was the first to claim that a well-trained person should be able to tell what movement a person is making by listening to their voice. Birdwhistell even learned how to tell what language a person was speaking, simply by watching their gestures.
Many people find difficulty in accepting that humans are still biologically animals. We are a species of primate–Homo sapiens–a hairless ape that has learned to walk on two limbs and has a clever, advanced brain. But like any other species, we are still dominated by biological rules that control our actions, reactions, body language, and gestures. The fascinating thing is that the human animal is rarely aware that its postures, movements, and gestures can tell one story while its voice may be telling another.
How Body Language Reveals Emotions and Thoughts
Body language is an outward reflection of a person's emotional condition. Each gesture or movement can be a valuable key to an emotion a person may be feeling at the time. For example, a man who is self-conscious about gaining weight may tug at the fold of skin under his chin; the woman who is aware of extra pounds on her thighs may smooth her dress down; the person who is feeling fearful or defensive might fold their arms or cross their legs or both; and a man talking with a large-breasted woman may consciously avoid staring at her breasts while, at the same time, unconsciously use groping gestures with his hands.
The key to reading body language is being able to understand a person's emotional condition while listening to what they are saying and noting the circumstances under which they are saying it. This allows you to separate fact from fiction and reality from fantasy. In recent times, we humans have had an obsession with the spoken word and our ability to be conversationalists. Most people, however, are remarkably unaware of body- language signals and their impact, despite the fact that we now know that most of the messages in any face-to-face conversation are revealed through body signals. For example, France's President Chirac, U.S.A.'s President Ronald Reagan, and Australia's Prime Minister Bob Hawke all used their hands to reveal the relative sizes of issues in their mind. Bob Hawke once defended pay increases for politicians by comparing their salaries to corporate executive salaries. He claimed that executive salaries had risen by a huge amount and that proposed politicians' increases were relatively smaller. Each time he mentioned politicians' incomes, he held his hands a yard apart. When he mentioned executive salaries, however, he held them only a foot apart. His hand distances revealed that he felt politicians were getting a much better deal than he was prepared to admit.
Why Women Are More Perceptive
When we say someone is "perceptive" or "intuitive" about people, we are unknowingly referring to their ability to read another person's body language and to compare these cues with verbal signals. In other words, when we say that we have a "hunch" or "gut feeling" that someone has told us a lie, we usually mean that their body language and their spoken words don't agree. This is also what speakers call "audience awareness," or relating to a group. For example, if an audience were sitting back in their seats with their chins down and arms crossed on their chest, a "perceptive" speaker would get a hunch or feeling that his delivery was not going across well. He would realize that he needed to take a different approach to gain audience involvement. Likewise, a speaker who was not "perceptive" would blunder on regardless.
Being "perceptive" means being able to spot the contradictions between someone's words and their body language.
Overall, women are far more perceptive than men, and this has given rise to what is commonly referred to as "women's intuition." Women have an innate ability to pick up and decipher nonverbal signals, as well as having an accurate eye for small details. This is why few husbands can lie to their wives and get away with it and why, conversely, most women can pull the wool over a man's eyes without his realizing it.
Research by psychologists at Harvard University showed how women are far more alert to body language than men. They showed short films, with the sound turned off, of a man and woman communicating, and the participants were asked to decode what was happening by reading the couple's expressions. The research showed that women read the situation accurately 87 percent of the time, while the men scored only 42 percent accuracy. Men in "nurturing" occupations, such as artistic types, acting, and nursing, did nearly as well as the women; gay men also scored well. Female intuition is particularly evident in women who have raised children. For the first few years, the mother relies almost solely on the nonverbal channel to communicate with the child and this is why women are often more perceptive negotiators than men, because they practice reading signals early.
What Brain Scans Show
Most women have the brain organization to outcommunicate any man on the planet. Magnetic Resonance Imaging brain scans (MRI) clearly show why women have far greater capacity for communicating with and evaluating people than men do. Women have between fourteen and sixteen areas of the brain to evaluate others' behavior versus a man's four to six areas. This explains how a woman can attend a dinner party and rapidly work out the state of the relationships of other couples at the party–who's had an argument, who likes who, and so on. It also explains why, from a woman's standpoint, men don't seem to talk much and, from a man's standpoint, women never seem to shut up.
As we showed in Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps (Orion), the female brain is organized for multitracking–the average woman can juggle between two and four unrelated topics at the same time. She can watch a television program while talking on the telephone plus listen to a second conversation behind her, while drinking a cup of coffee. She can talk about several unrelated topics in the one conversation and use five vocal tones to change the subject or emphasize points. Unfortunately, most men can only identify three of these tones. As a result, men often lose the plot when women are trying to communicate with them.
Studies show that a person who relies on hard visual evidence face-to-face about the behavior of another person is more likely to make more accurate judgments about that person than someone who relies solely on their gut feeling. The evidence is in the person's body language and, while women can do it subconsciously, anyone can teach themselves consciously to read the signals. That's what this book is about.
How Fortune-Tellers Know So Much
If you've ever visited a fortune-teller you probably came away amazed at the things they knew about you–things no one else could possibly have known–so it must be ESP, right? Research into the fortune-telling business shows that operators use a technique known as "cold reading," which can produce an accuracy of around 80 percent when "reading" a person you've never met. While it can appear to be magical to naive and vulnerable people, it is simply a process based on the careful observation of body-language signals plus an understanding of human nature and a knowledge of probability statistics. It's a technique practiced by psychics, tarot-card readers, astrologists, and palm readers to gather information about a "client." Many "cold readers" are largely unaware of their abilities to read nonverbal signals and so also become convinced that they really must have "psychic" abilities. This all adds to a convincing performance, bolstered by the fact that people who regularly visit "psychics" go with positive expectations of the outcome. Throw in a set of tarot cards, a crystal ball or two, and a bit of theater, and the stage is perfectly set for a body-language-reading session that can convince even the most hardened skeptic that strange, magical forces must be at work. It all boils down to the reader's ability to decode a person's reactions to statements made and to questions asked, and by information gathered from simple observation about a person's appearance. Most "psychics" are female because, as women, as discussed previously, they have the extra brain wiring to allow them to read the body signals of babies and to read others' emotional condition.
The fortune-teller gazed into her crystal ball and then
started laughing uncontrollably. So John punched her on the
nose. It was the first time he'd ever struck a happy medium.
To demonstrate the point, here now is a psychic reading for you personally. Imagine you've come to a dimly lit, smoke-filled room where a jewel-encrusted psychic wearing a turban is seated at a low, moon-shaped table with a crystal ball:
I'm glad you've come to this session and I can see you have things that are troubling you because I am receiving strong signals from you. I sense that the things you really want out of life sometimes seem unrealistic and you often wonder whether you can achieve them. I also sense that at times you are friendly, social, and outgoing to others, but that at other times you are withdrawn, reserved, and cautious. You take pride in being an independent thinker, but also know not to accept what you see and hear from others without proof. You like change and variety, but become restless if controlled by restrictions and routine. You want to share your innermost feelings with those closest to you, but have found it unwise to be too open and revealing. A man in your life with the initial "S" is exerting a strong influence over you right now and a woman who is born in November will contact you in the next month with an exciting offer. While you appear disciplined and controlled on the outside, you tend to be concerned and worried on the inside, and at times you wonder whether or not you have made the right choice or decision.
Most helpful customer reviews
141 of 147 people found the following review helpful.
Basic introduction with a lot of factual mistakes
By Wilmington
I have read and enjoyed Allan and Barbara Pease's other bestsellers Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps and Why Men Lie and Women Cry: How to Get What You Want Out of Life by Asking and therefore was really looking forward to reading this book. It was quite a disappointment. Half of the body language described seems perfectly obvious to me. Some of the explanations were useful, but others were dubious or downright mistaken.
It didn't start well when on page 7 the caption under Schwarzenegger showing the thumb up explained that it meant five in Japan, which is utterly false. I can forgive one mistake, but not dozens, and the book is filled with them. Here are other examples.
On p. 18-19, the authors say that shaking the head from side to side to indicate 'no' is universal. Are they forgetting that in India it means 'yes' ? Over one billion people is not a minor exception.
On p. 20, under the title Universal Gestures, the first example is the shoulder shrug to show that a person doesn't know or doesn't understand. In France it means that the person doesn't care or that it can't be helped. Perhaps their meaning of universal is not the one universally understood by English speakers ?
On p. 109-110, they say that figures E and F are insults in Japan, and figure L means 5 in Japan and 1 in (continental) Europe. None of that is true.
On the next page, under 'Why We are All Becoming American', they say that the middle finger raised is originally an American insult that became adopted in other countries because of American TV and movies. It actually originated in Ancient Greece and Rome and has been used in many European countries (especially Mediterranean ones) for a very long time. The authors claim that the American Ring gesture to mean OK is now recognised in many countries due to American influence. It may be recognised, but is hardly ever used in most of Europe and Asia, where it often has a different meaning. They carry on with the words for toilet becoming Americanised, but what does this have to do with body language ? It is also a fallacy, since most speakers of English today are non-native speakers, and Europeans are far more likely to use the word 'toilet' than 'bathroom' because the word 'toilet' exists in most European languages.
On p.114, they claim that the French greet each others with a double kiss and the Belgians with a triple kiss. The truth is that the number varies from one to five in France, depending on the region and generation. In Belgium it is only once among French speakers, and usually none among Dutch speakers like in Britain.
On p.119, they explain that the American OK sign means zero in France and money in Japan, but they are not done the same way and therefore cannot be misunderstood easily. The OK sign is done with the three other fingers open (pointing up). The French zero is done with the middle to little fingers closed, aligned on the index finger. The Japanese zero is done with the hand placed horizontally, open fingers pointing sideways, and the palm pointing towards the body.
On p. 171, we read that the Japanese are the only ones that don't 'eyebrow flash'. Again it's not true. That's an East Asian thing.
After the ignorance of other cultures come the scientific errors. On p. 171, the authors say that, contrarily to humans, "apes lack eye-whites, which means that their prey don't know where the ape is looking or whether they have been spotted, giving the ape a greater chance of hunting success." Really ? It's a surprising theory to say the least, since all apes aside from humans, and all monkeys are vegetarian.
I also wonder what they mean when on p.192 they write "by animals, birds, fish and primates". Animals sound redundant here.
In the section of personal space (p.193), they explain that lions have a territorial space of 30 miles or more, but that lions raised in captivity have a personal space of only several yards. They confuse personal space (safe distance between two individuals, even of the same family) and the lion's hunting territory, which isn't personal but used by all the lionesses (as it is the females that hunt) belong to the same clan. They make the same confusion afterwards by mentioning countries, cities and other non-personal boundaries. It's sounds highly unscientific and unprofessional on the authors' part to make such a simplification on a book about body language.
I wasn't happier to read on the next page that they were going to compare the personal space radius in (and I quote) "Australia, New Zealand, Great Britain, North America, Northern Europe, Scandinavia, Canada or anywhere a culture is 'Westernised' such as Singapore, Guam or Iceland". Wow ! What's the point of saying Great Britain and Scandinavia is they say Northern Europe ? Why say North America and Canada ? But much worse, why on earth would they consider that Iceland is not part of Scandinavia and believe it is not a Western country but a Westernised one like Singapore ? Do they have any idea of how uneducated that sounds ? On p.202 they insist again on saying "Northern Europeans and Scandinavians" as if Scandinavians weren't Northern Europeans. It might be useful for them to look at a world map some time.
On p.199, trying to justify that people become more aggressive when their personal space is invaded, the authors claim that "areas that have the highest human population density also have the highest crime and violence rates". This is another factual mistake. Countries with very high population densities like Japan, the Netherlands, England, or even India, tend to be more peaceful and have lower crime rates than sparsely populated countries like most of Africa or South America, or even the USA.
On p.268, Mr and Mrs Pease claim that "Twice as many women smoke as men". This is completely wrong. The WHO data shows that in average, worldwide, smoking is five times as prevalent among men than women. There is hardly any country where women smoke more than men, and in some Muslim countries the percentage of smoking men is one hundred times higher than for women (for example in Morocco and Algeria).
After the factual mistakes come the dubious theories. On p.260-1, we read that one of the most common forms of mirroring is yawning, and that "It was one thought that the purpose of yawning was to oxygenate the body but we now know that it's a form of mirroring that serves to create a rapport with others and to avoid aggression". The problem with this theory is that yawning is most commonly done when people are alone or with close relatives at home, and therefore doesn't serve to avoid aggression.
I also want to add that the quiz at the end of the book is terrible. The pictures are very unclear and it's hard to find all the signals even after reading the descriptions.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Great book!
By John R. Prince
I agree that this THE "definitive" book on body language. I have read many books on the subject---for no other reason than I find it fascinating--and this book is the best, in my opinion.
Pros: All body signal are covered---soup to nuts. They also explain the theory behind each gesture, which really makes you think, "Ahh . . . that makes complete sense." You are taught how to read body movements in clusters, which is quite different than a single gesture. Things are put into context, which I feel is very important to driving home a point. I like the fact that when they explain a certain gesture someone makes, not only do they explain what the gesture means, but they also provide advice for dealing with it. e.g. What you should do when closes their eyes for long "blinks" when talking with you, with their hands on their hips. Additionally, they provide little "tests" for you to conduct with other (unknowing) people to really understand what you are reading is true. Finally, the book does use a lot of examples that are geared toward business relationships.
Cons: I found the section on courtship displays a little dry. I guess it is because I am a middle-aged, married man with kids, and at this point in life care little about courtships. ;-) They also have a section on "props" and what they really mean (glasses, cigarettes, etc.) that I found somewhat boring.
All in all I give this five stars. Regardless if you are new to learning body language or (more importantly) if you are fairly adept and want to learn more---this book is for you!
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
You can find the same information online for free
By Je L'aime
I gave it a 3 star because other authors had me on the hype train by using a great quote from the book. The rest of the book was predictable and I did not learn anything new (you can find the same information for free online).
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